A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
