I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
