did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Randomize
