If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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