The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
