if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
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