He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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