Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
