Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
