I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
