I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
