I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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