Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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