That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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