Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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