Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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