I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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