I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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