Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
