I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
