Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
