Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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