I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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