I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
