I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
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