I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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