Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
