I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
