Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
