u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
