1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
