so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
