Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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