so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
