I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
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