then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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