i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
