Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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