smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
