Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
