they need to just BURY HIM!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
