he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
