yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
