Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
