but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
