i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
