Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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