I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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