3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Randomize
