I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
